Lately, I have been having some extra pain. Today I was having a hard time and I had to go and see my doctor, my husband recommended to use my old friend, my cane. It brought back some painful memories but it also made me think about, the concept of support. When I was not able to walk and no one was around to help, it was my cane that used to offer me support. Slowly, I started to reach for that cane more and more. Soon enough I lost the confidence in me to be able to walk without the cane. A few times my brother challenged me to give up the cane and I was not able to accept it. Finally, he asked me to give the cane to him as a gift. That forced me to learn to walk on my own.
Does the same scenario take place if a child is over protected? Does he or she become so dependent on other people to take care of them that they never have the confidence in themselves? As this child grows into adulthood, are they more venerable to anyone who offers them even a little bit of support regardless of that persons character? I wonder if this is the reason why people end up in the wrong relationships. It is a fine balance when guiding a child, offering a finger for support but also knowing when to let go. As hard as this may be, I will have to let them fall but be there to pick up the pieces.
I can tell you this from my experience, once you do find yourself in a cane dependent like situation, you need to want to become self reliant and have a lot of courage to break free. And a little bit of push goes a long way.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
The Soul's Music
I had lunch with my husband today. He was telling me about this person having a nervous breakdown. We started talking about the hopelessness this person must feel. Wheather the pain is emotional or physical, when it lasts for a very long period of time it leaves some scars behind. Sometimes out of these scars comes soul wrenching music and the most beautiful poetry.
I remember this story I had read about one sufi poet. He had always felt this calling for writing sufi poetry. One day he left his home to search for a good teacher. After a long search, He met this teacher who was also looking for a serious student. As the student began to write poems, he showed his work to the teacher. After reading the poems, the teacher asked the student if he had ever fallen in love and if he ever had his heart broken? The students said no to the both questions. The teacher proceded to tell him that in order to write about the beauty and the pain of separation, first you have to live it. Without experiencing the pain of heart break first hand, the student would lack depth in his poetry. The student, infact, went though a lot of pain and suffering and ended up being one of the best sufi writers of his time.
I love sufi music and poetry. It touches me somewhere deep and moves me to tears at times. One of my favourites is Rumi. The follwing poem was written by him:
"The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere,
they're in each other all along".
-Rumi
Does The Universe's beauty find its expression through pain more often than happiness? I know that I have become more compassionate and understanding after going through my ordeals. I can relate to my mother's pain better, after having my own two girls. Now I know what it feels like to have your heart walking outside your own body. Pain has taken me through so many ups and downs that I can now empathise better when someone is going through a rollercoster period in their life. Now that I have seen the darkness of hopelessness and despair, I am more willing to share my light. Does this mean that we realize the depth of our souls only after suffering, and till then our existeance is very shellow?
I remember this story I had read about one sufi poet. He had always felt this calling for writing sufi poetry. One day he left his home to search for a good teacher. After a long search, He met this teacher who was also looking for a serious student. As the student began to write poems, he showed his work to the teacher. After reading the poems, the teacher asked the student if he had ever fallen in love and if he ever had his heart broken? The students said no to the both questions. The teacher proceded to tell him that in order to write about the beauty and the pain of separation, first you have to live it. Without experiencing the pain of heart break first hand, the student would lack depth in his poetry. The student, infact, went though a lot of pain and suffering and ended up being one of the best sufi writers of his time.
I love sufi music and poetry. It touches me somewhere deep and moves me to tears at times. One of my favourites is Rumi. The follwing poem was written by him:
"The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere,
they're in each other all along".
-Rumi
Does The Universe's beauty find its expression through pain more often than happiness? I know that I have become more compassionate and understanding after going through my ordeals. I can relate to my mother's pain better, after having my own two girls. Now I know what it feels like to have your heart walking outside your own body. Pain has taken me through so many ups and downs that I can now empathise better when someone is going through a rollercoster period in their life. Now that I have seen the darkness of hopelessness and despair, I am more willing to share my light. Does this mean that we realize the depth of our souls only after suffering, and till then our existeance is very shellow?
Monday, August 29, 2011
Leave the past in the past
I was listening to the coverage of hurricane Irene. This reporter was covering an area which was suppose to be evacuated. He asked this individual who had chosen to stay back regardless of the warning, what made him stay back. The person said that I stayed back because I have lived here all my life and all my belongings are here.
It made me realize how strong our bond is to our past. WE define ourselves by our old stories, good and bad. We say to ourselves that tomorrow is a new day. Is it really a new day if we bring the baggege of our past negative interections, hurts, and our attachment to everything in the past. If a person looses his job and keeps thinking about how good the life was when he did have a job. Is he able to focus on creating his future with single mindedness? Why is it so hard for us to let go of the past and focus on tomorrow? Why do we let our past, good or bad, rule our lives to the extent of risking our lives?
I am still living my past as well, when I let yesterday's pain stories stop me from moving forward. If I could forget the past 20 years of pain, I would be able to handle todays pain better. What comfort do I seek in my old pain stories? Do I wear my last 20 years of pain as my badge of honor? I know that I am working on moving forward then Why do I let my past hold me back. I can learn from my past but I should not lean on my past to define me today.
Why does my past have such strong hold on me? Pain was the reason I was not able to do many things. Pain had ruled my life for a very long time. But now that I have this understanding, can I really let the past be in the past and find new reasons for doing or not doing something?
It made me realize how strong our bond is to our past. WE define ourselves by our old stories, good and bad. We say to ourselves that tomorrow is a new day. Is it really a new day if we bring the baggege of our past negative interections, hurts, and our attachment to everything in the past. If a person looses his job and keeps thinking about how good the life was when he did have a job. Is he able to focus on creating his future with single mindedness? Why is it so hard for us to let go of the past and focus on tomorrow? Why do we let our past, good or bad, rule our lives to the extent of risking our lives?
I am still living my past as well, when I let yesterday's pain stories stop me from moving forward. If I could forget the past 20 years of pain, I would be able to handle todays pain better. What comfort do I seek in my old pain stories? Do I wear my last 20 years of pain as my badge of honor? I know that I am working on moving forward then Why do I let my past hold me back. I can learn from my past but I should not lean on my past to define me today.
Why does my past have such strong hold on me? Pain was the reason I was not able to do many things. Pain had ruled my life for a very long time. But now that I have this understanding, can I really let the past be in the past and find new reasons for doing or not doing something?
Sunday, August 28, 2011
spring cleaning of the mind
Since I have been out of commission for the last six years, and my husband had his plate full with the kids and work, the house has taken a major beating. Now that we are trying to clean and straighten it out, we do not know where to begin. It is so overwhelming because any room we go to, it is a magnificent mixture of garbage which need to be thrown out and important things which need to be stored properly. When good stuff is mixed with unnecessary things you actually need to look at each and every item and make a decision about it, which is very tiring.
It made me think about our mind. Everyday our mind is subjected to unnecessary and important information. Sorting thru the information is work. Our mind is very prone to laziness. If given the choice, it always takes the path of least resistance. Over time, imagine how much garbage information and unnecessary negative emotions are just put away in some corner of our mind. No wonder there are so few Steve Jobs or Bill Gates available for the betterment of humanity.
If we do not do regular cleaning of our minds then our genius is hidden some where in the pile of junk. If all of us choose to do daily sorting of our thoughts then may be we can find the solution to our own problems and to the world problems.
When negative thoughts about any aspect of my life or a negative exchange of energy with someone over takes my mind, I have to consciously choose to put a break on this thought process. I do this by putting on different color glasses to look at the situation more objectively.
My different color glasses come from many sources. Talking to someone who is not afraid of being honest and objective has helped me many many times. Reading books has always provided me a better and different perspective of situations.
A negative exchange of energy with someone has always been a big waste of time and energy for me. I would think and rethink the episode over and over again. The thought that how can a particular person be so insensitive to me for no fault of mine, used to paralyze my mind.
Reminding myself that people have a right to their opinion and I have a choice in how I react to that opinion, has helped me in clearing out many corners of my mind. Choosing to live on my own value system instead of reacting to idiotic behavior has also simplified things for me.
Choosing to accept life as is instead of wanting it to be different, helps with sorting through thoughts about my challenges. Sitting with nature, traveling, music and arts helps in clearing my mind also. Please share the ways you clear your mind.
It made me think about our mind. Everyday our mind is subjected to unnecessary and important information. Sorting thru the information is work. Our mind is very prone to laziness. If given the choice, it always takes the path of least resistance. Over time, imagine how much garbage information and unnecessary negative emotions are just put away in some corner of our mind. No wonder there are so few Steve Jobs or Bill Gates available for the betterment of humanity.
If we do not do regular cleaning of our minds then our genius is hidden some where in the pile of junk. If all of us choose to do daily sorting of our thoughts then may be we can find the solution to our own problems and to the world problems.
When negative thoughts about any aspect of my life or a negative exchange of energy with someone over takes my mind, I have to consciously choose to put a break on this thought process. I do this by putting on different color glasses to look at the situation more objectively.
My different color glasses come from many sources. Talking to someone who is not afraid of being honest and objective has helped me many many times. Reading books has always provided me a better and different perspective of situations.
A negative exchange of energy with someone has always been a big waste of time and energy for me. I would think and rethink the episode over and over again. The thought that how can a particular person be so insensitive to me for no fault of mine, used to paralyze my mind.
Reminding myself that people have a right to their opinion and I have a choice in how I react to that opinion, has helped me in clearing out many corners of my mind. Choosing to live on my own value system instead of reacting to idiotic behavior has also simplified things for me.
Choosing to accept life as is instead of wanting it to be different, helps with sorting through thoughts about my challenges. Sitting with nature, traveling, music and arts helps in clearing my mind also. Please share the ways you clear your mind.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
My love affair with life.
What is true love? For love to be true, does it have to be unconditional? If yes then, do we really love life truly? There are so many conditions life needs to meet, in order for us to be happy and love our lives.
When we were young, our needs were simple. As long as we had some toys, friends to play with,food and security of loved ones, we were content. As we grow older, our requirements grow exponentially.
Now we want the toy of the moment as soon as it comes out. There is a need to be seen with the right people, even if none of them prove to be good friends at time of need. We still want food but now we want magical food so no matter how much we eat, we never gain a pound. I find that grown up relationships become conditional. It becomes harder and harder for people to accept other people for who they are.
Even a parent-child relationship becomes conditional. A parent is happy as long as, child is doing exactly what the parent wants him to do. As soon as, the child wants to make decision based on his own individual likings and aspirations, a big hurricane like pattern enters the relationship. The big and mighty EGO from both sides wants to win. The parental ego wants to make sure that the child knows who the boss is, and the child's ego wants to prove that I am my own boss. In this big battle of egos, the parents forget that they are there to provide unconditional support to the child in his own individual journey and child forgets to give the parents even a little bit of benefit of doubt that the parents only want what is good for the child.
Now approval of our choices by others, becomes another requirement for us to love our lives. With each passing year, our demands from life keep growing. From the It job to the perfect husband and kids to the perfect body, the list is endless.
In my case, I have had a love-hate type of relationship with life. I do wish that I had appreciated all the blessings that life was kind enough to bestow upon me more, but I was too busy focusing on all the pain that came my way. I know this now, that if I had accepted life as it was in any given time, my journey would have been more enjoyable. My new goal is to love life unconditionally. Wish me luck.
When we were young, our needs were simple. As long as we had some toys, friends to play with,food and security of loved ones, we were content. As we grow older, our requirements grow exponentially.
Now we want the toy of the moment as soon as it comes out. There is a need to be seen with the right people, even if none of them prove to be good friends at time of need. We still want food but now we want magical food so no matter how much we eat, we never gain a pound. I find that grown up relationships become conditional. It becomes harder and harder for people to accept other people for who they are.
Even a parent-child relationship becomes conditional. A parent is happy as long as, child is doing exactly what the parent wants him to do. As soon as, the child wants to make decision based on his own individual likings and aspirations, a big hurricane like pattern enters the relationship. The big and mighty EGO from both sides wants to win. The parental ego wants to make sure that the child knows who the boss is, and the child's ego wants to prove that I am my own boss. In this big battle of egos, the parents forget that they are there to provide unconditional support to the child in his own individual journey and child forgets to give the parents even a little bit of benefit of doubt that the parents only want what is good for the child.
Now approval of our choices by others, becomes another requirement for us to love our lives. With each passing year, our demands from life keep growing. From the It job to the perfect husband and kids to the perfect body, the list is endless.
In my case, I have had a love-hate type of relationship with life. I do wish that I had appreciated all the blessings that life was kind enough to bestow upon me more, but I was too busy focusing on all the pain that came my way. I know this now, that if I had accepted life as it was in any given time, my journey would have been more enjoyable. My new goal is to love life unconditionally. Wish me luck.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
pain pain go away
Like a normal person I want to be pain free. So I tried things that most sane people do like epidural shots, physical therapy, surgery and acupuncture etc. But every so often, I think that I used to loose my mind from the constant pain. I would get so frustrated with pain and also with failure of regular methods that I would try, let just say, unorthodox methods for making my pain disappear.
One of the most interesting things that I have tried so far is giving up buying any leather goods for a year. It would not have been so painful if I absolutely did not love love buying shoes, bags, belts etc. The thought of going through the whole summer without buying sandals is not pleasant for me. I do have a confession to make. I had become a firm believer of retail therapy. It only gave me joy for a short time but I did not care. I was happy to feel any joy by any means it was available to me. That is why, I think that my husband had called this astrologer ahead of time. After just talking to me for two minutes, he proceeded to tell me this unthinkable restriction. By this time, I had been struggling with my pain for so long that I jumped at the idea. I am very much skeptical about this advice because I am still in pain.
So far, I have met many people with interesting skills. The one that made my husband irritated the most was the psychics, and boy have I seen my share of psychics and healers, and I have wasted a ton of money buying their advised paraphernalia. After a while he started saying, why don't you just pay me and I'll tell you your future. I would tell my husband, that think of this as my entertainment, then you wont be so mad. They all gave me a different deadline for the pain to leave me. I still wish that at least one of them was right.
Unfortunately for him, he had to give me company on my adventures because he was my driver. One thing he was on board with me was past life regression therapy. He never tried it himself but he found it very fascinating to watch me talk about my past lives under hypnosis. On a side note, I think that he wanted to make sure that the fiasco I was going through in this lifetime was not a regular event. I traveled through many life times and I was many different characters. In one of those life times, I was a princess in Ireland and in a battle I was stabbed with sword into my back. According to the therapist, I had carried that pain into this life. I was supposed to go to the therapist again to be able to let go of that pain, but my pain got so bad that I ended up getting a procedure done. Due to my painful recovery, I forgot about it. Now as I am writing about it, I am wondering if I should pay her a visit.
I was doing all this when I was fighting the idea of having another type of debilitating pain for life. I was fighting the idea of this extra back pain tooth and nail. I did not want to increases my limitations. I still wanted to fly and make my dreams come true. This mental struggle with my physical pain was wearing me down. I had started to feel hopeless about my life again. One day, this wise man told me to try to stop fighting this pain mentally and just surrender to it. It is what it is. This new philosophy is very technique sensitive, because every time I move I am in pain. But I am giving my all to live this philosophy of the ages.
One of the most interesting things that I have tried so far is giving up buying any leather goods for a year. It would not have been so painful if I absolutely did not love love buying shoes, bags, belts etc. The thought of going through the whole summer without buying sandals is not pleasant for me. I do have a confession to make. I had become a firm believer of retail therapy. It only gave me joy for a short time but I did not care. I was happy to feel any joy by any means it was available to me. That is why, I think that my husband had called this astrologer ahead of time. After just talking to me for two minutes, he proceeded to tell me this unthinkable restriction. By this time, I had been struggling with my pain for so long that I jumped at the idea. I am very much skeptical about this advice because I am still in pain.
So far, I have met many people with interesting skills. The one that made my husband irritated the most was the psychics, and boy have I seen my share of psychics and healers, and I have wasted a ton of money buying their advised paraphernalia. After a while he started saying, why don't you just pay me and I'll tell you your future. I would tell my husband, that think of this as my entertainment, then you wont be so mad. They all gave me a different deadline for the pain to leave me. I still wish that at least one of them was right.
Unfortunately for him, he had to give me company on my adventures because he was my driver. One thing he was on board with me was past life regression therapy. He never tried it himself but he found it very fascinating to watch me talk about my past lives under hypnosis. On a side note, I think that he wanted to make sure that the fiasco I was going through in this lifetime was not a regular event. I traveled through many life times and I was many different characters. In one of those life times, I was a princess in Ireland and in a battle I was stabbed with sword into my back. According to the therapist, I had carried that pain into this life. I was supposed to go to the therapist again to be able to let go of that pain, but my pain got so bad that I ended up getting a procedure done. Due to my painful recovery, I forgot about it. Now as I am writing about it, I am wondering if I should pay her a visit.
I was doing all this when I was fighting the idea of having another type of debilitating pain for life. I was fighting the idea of this extra back pain tooth and nail. I did not want to increases my limitations. I still wanted to fly and make my dreams come true. This mental struggle with my physical pain was wearing me down. I had started to feel hopeless about my life again. One day, this wise man told me to try to stop fighting this pain mentally and just surrender to it. It is what it is. This new philosophy is very technique sensitive, because every time I move I am in pain. But I am giving my all to live this philosophy of the ages.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
"use the force, Luke"
My husband must be one of the biggest fans of The Star Wars movies. It seems like he has memorized quite a few dialogues from the movies. One of my most favorite lines that he uses with me is "use the force".
When it comes to my husband, I think that I sometimes misuse the line "I cannot move because I am hurting too much". We had just gotten married and we both were lying down. And the remote was beyond our reach. For a very good reason, like pain or simple laziness, I asked him to get the remote. It just so happened that he was having one of those lazy moments also. So, he just kept staring at the remote. After watching this for few minutes, I asked him what he was doing. And he simply said that can't you see I am trying to use the force! Initially I was surprised then I started to appreciate the humor in it.
One day, I was in a lot of pain and having really hard time moving. Normally I do not keep any phone in my bedroom, but that day one of the cordless phones was left in the room. As I was trying really hard to fall asleep so I could get a little break from my pain, the phone started to ring. It just so happened that it was my very persistent mother who was calling me. So when I did not pick up the phone the first time, she proceeded to call me few more times. As I was lying down and looking at that phone ring over and over again, "use the force" concept popped in my head. I was so desperate that I even gave it a try. To my surprise, I found out that like my husband, I did not have Luke's powers either.
The phone was irritating me so much that I forced myself to get up and answer the phone. Latter that day a thought came to me, I was not able to use the force Luke used in the Star Wars movies but I did use some other force. I started to wonder what it was that made it possible for me to get the phone even though my mind was telling me that I can not move.
It was sheer will power! It was so liberating to know that no matter how bad the pain got, with my will power, I could still be the boss of me and not my pain. Since that day my will power has been a good and bad friend for me. Like any other kind of power, if misused, it lets you know it in a not so kind language. When I used my will power a little too much to get my things done, I was bedridden with pain for the next few days. But for the most part, it has helped me keep my sanity. It helped me in keeping my independence to some extent at least. No matter what kind of day I was having, it allowed me to present myself to the world in a pleasant manor. Most importantly it did not allow my pain to take away my smile.
When it comes to my husband, I think that I sometimes misuse the line "I cannot move because I am hurting too much". We had just gotten married and we both were lying down. And the remote was beyond our reach. For a very good reason, like pain or simple laziness, I asked him to get the remote. It just so happened that he was having one of those lazy moments also. So, he just kept staring at the remote. After watching this for few minutes, I asked him what he was doing. And he simply said that can't you see I am trying to use the force! Initially I was surprised then I started to appreciate the humor in it.
One day, I was in a lot of pain and having really hard time moving. Normally I do not keep any phone in my bedroom, but that day one of the cordless phones was left in the room. As I was trying really hard to fall asleep so I could get a little break from my pain, the phone started to ring. It just so happened that it was my very persistent mother who was calling me. So when I did not pick up the phone the first time, she proceeded to call me few more times. As I was lying down and looking at that phone ring over and over again, "use the force" concept popped in my head. I was so desperate that I even gave it a try. To my surprise, I found out that like my husband, I did not have Luke's powers either.
The phone was irritating me so much that I forced myself to get up and answer the phone. Latter that day a thought came to me, I was not able to use the force Luke used in the Star Wars movies but I did use some other force. I started to wonder what it was that made it possible for me to get the phone even though my mind was telling me that I can not move.
It was sheer will power! It was so liberating to know that no matter how bad the pain got, with my will power, I could still be the boss of me and not my pain. Since that day my will power has been a good and bad friend for me. Like any other kind of power, if misused, it lets you know it in a not so kind language. When I used my will power a little too much to get my things done, I was bedridden with pain for the next few days. But for the most part, it has helped me keep my sanity. It helped me in keeping my independence to some extent at least. No matter what kind of day I was having, it allowed me to present myself to the world in a pleasant manor. Most importantly it did not allow my pain to take away my smile.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
a few Gifts from pain
For the longest time, I only focused on what pain has taken away from me. I mourned the loss of my career as a dentist, my ability to be a mother in full sense of the word, my ability to help my family when needed, my ability to make my dream of climbing up the Himalayas, come true, my ability to dance the night away with the love of my life, my ability to run around with my girls, give them piggy back rides and be a kid with them, and my ability to do simple things like doing groceries, shopping, traveling, showering, getting ready, watching a movie in a theater, entertaining etc.,without worrying about the pain that would follow...
We all change over a period of time but our basic personality remains the same. I have always had very strong views about how things should be. I was under the impression that I still was one of those very controlling, perfectionist, ants in the pants type of person, regardless of my long history with pain.
One day, as I was talking to one of my nieces, I realized that the pain had changed my personality over time and how I look at life. Pain had taught me to see beauty in imperfections and I am very grateful for that. I could not believe myself, what was coming out my mouth. I was telling her that true joy lies in the anticipation of the next adventure that life has planned for us. I had finally understood that there is a sense of freedom when we give up the need to control our future.
Pain has also taught me to live in the present moment. In my case, every time I thought it could not get any worse, it did. So I learned the hard way to appreciate what life is presenting right now.
The old me was a very high achiever. I used to have ten things running around my head at any given time. I believed that multitasking was the only way to be productive in life. Then one day as I was listening to the music of my girls laughter, I realized that the old me would have been too preoccupied to pay full attention to their laughter. I would have missed many small but very precious moments of my life. I began to notice the things that gave me true joy on an everyday basis instead of waiting for the big moment to happen. Now my mind was fully aware of the joy when my girls gave me a hug or when my husband smiled at me. I was living life more intensely. Suddenly it was ok to have less experiences long as I was fully present for the ones I was lucky to have.
We all change over a period of time but our basic personality remains the same. I have always had very strong views about how things should be. I was under the impression that I still was one of those very controlling, perfectionist, ants in the pants type of person, regardless of my long history with pain.
One day, as I was talking to one of my nieces, I realized that the pain had changed my personality over time and how I look at life. Pain had taught me to see beauty in imperfections and I am very grateful for that. I could not believe myself, what was coming out my mouth. I was telling her that true joy lies in the anticipation of the next adventure that life has planned for us. I had finally understood that there is a sense of freedom when we give up the need to control our future.
Pain has also taught me to live in the present moment. In my case, every time I thought it could not get any worse, it did. So I learned the hard way to appreciate what life is presenting right now.
The old me was a very high achiever. I used to have ten things running around my head at any given time. I believed that multitasking was the only way to be productive in life. Then one day as I was listening to the music of my girls laughter, I realized that the old me would have been too preoccupied to pay full attention to their laughter. I would have missed many small but very precious moments of my life. I began to notice the things that gave me true joy on an everyday basis instead of waiting for the big moment to happen. Now my mind was fully aware of the joy when my girls gave me a hug or when my husband smiled at me. I was living life more intensely. Suddenly it was ok to have less experiences long as I was fully present for the ones I was lucky to have.
Monday, August 22, 2011
The big Question, WHY ME?
I have been looking for an answer to "why me" for a very long time. I could never make sense of my suffering. I needed to know what was the purpose. I believe in universal intelligence. I believe that everything happens for a reason. But I was not able to come up with any reason for my pain.
I did a lot of reading and asked many learned people for the answer. But I never got a satisfactory answer. I remember asking my brother after my car accident and his response was that I would figure it out five years down the road. Thirteen years later, I still have no answer.
I have tried variety of sources, from psychic to religious books to new age spirituality, to explain me, why universe gave me knowledge and desire to serve the society and then force me to sit on sideline and watch life go by. Why did the universe decide to make me a burden on the same society I wanted to serve?
This question has caused me a lot of mental anguish. It has kept me from smelling the roses and enjoying what I do have. Last week, I was having one of those really bad days and my husband called to see if I had eaten anything. I proceeded to tell him that I'm in too much pain to make myself lunch. Even though he only gets one hour for lunch and his work is a 20 minute drive, he choose to come home and feed me lunch. As I was watching him do this, I realized that I have never questioned "why" I have such a loving and caring husband. It hit me then, that if I accept all the good in my life without wondering "why me", I must accept my pain and all the suffering that comes with pain too.
At that moment, I realized that I can relate to a quote in the movie The Lord of the Rings spoken by Gandalf to Frodo. He said "all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us ". We can either chose to accept the good with the bad and live to the best of our capabilities or sulk and question "why me".
I did a lot of reading and asked many learned people for the answer. But I never got a satisfactory answer. I remember asking my brother after my car accident and his response was that I would figure it out five years down the road. Thirteen years later, I still have no answer.
I have tried variety of sources, from psychic to religious books to new age spirituality, to explain me, why universe gave me knowledge and desire to serve the society and then force me to sit on sideline and watch life go by. Why did the universe decide to make me a burden on the same society I wanted to serve?
This question has caused me a lot of mental anguish. It has kept me from smelling the roses and enjoying what I do have. Last week, I was having one of those really bad days and my husband called to see if I had eaten anything. I proceeded to tell him that I'm in too much pain to make myself lunch. Even though he only gets one hour for lunch and his work is a 20 minute drive, he choose to come home and feed me lunch. As I was watching him do this, I realized that I have never questioned "why" I have such a loving and caring husband. It hit me then, that if I accept all the good in my life without wondering "why me", I must accept my pain and all the suffering that comes with pain too.
At that moment, I realized that I can relate to a quote in the movie The Lord of the Rings spoken by Gandalf to Frodo. He said "all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us ". We can either chose to accept the good with the bad and live to the best of our capabilities or sulk and question "why me".
Sunday, August 21, 2011
about me
Hi. My name is Enna. I have been living with pain for last 20 years. Just when I think that I have conquered one kind of physical pain, another one shows up. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and an auto immune problem in 1991 at the age of 21. At that time, it felt like my life was over. But the warrior in me woke up and said that I will not let my pain stop me from making my dreams come true. My family was ready to support me with any goal I set for myself. With the help of my best friend, lot of pain meds and one very special guy, I graduated from dental school in 1997.
I took six months off to get off of my anti inflammatory and sleep medications. I was ready to fly. I was so sure that I already had lived thru my share of pain that I did not even see disability insurance as an urgency. Then, one fine day in 1998, as I was driving on the highway, I ended up under an eighteen wheeler. I do not have any memory of few days, so I do not know how that happened. After many surgeries and even more physical therapy, I was ready to live my life with an understanding that pain will be my constant companion. I opened my own dental practice, even had two beautiful girls.
Just as I was getting the hang of living with fibromyalgia and accident injuries pain, I woke up one day with debilitating back pain. I have had a very rough ride for last six years with my back pain. I tried many things from acupuncture to epidural shots to back surgery. With each new option, pain kept getting worse. After the failure of back surgery, I was told that I have two options. One, living with pain with narcotics and second, living with pain without narcotics. I chose the second option so I can be there for my girls at least mentally.
I will not say that I have not gone thru some type of depression every time things got worse for me. But at this point in my journey, I am trying to find reasons to be happy and grateful, everyday. Instead of focusing on what I can not do anymore, I am trying to create a happy home for my family with my limitations. Everyday, I consciously choose to dance in the rain of life. Some days are harder than others. Chronic pain is a mental battle along with the physical. On bad days, I still have the desire to walk away from life but I try very hard to focus on the rainbows that life has presented me.
I know that many many people struggle with chronic pain. Many people suffer with less support then I am lucky to have. Pain takes us to very dark corners of our minds. Somedays, light cannot even think of penetrating the dark clouds of our existence. It is for those days, I want to reach out thru my words and share with you my struggles, and if I'm lucky maybe help you smile along the way.
Talk to you soon.
I took six months off to get off of my anti inflammatory and sleep medications. I was ready to fly. I was so sure that I already had lived thru my share of pain that I did not even see disability insurance as an urgency. Then, one fine day in 1998, as I was driving on the highway, I ended up under an eighteen wheeler. I do not have any memory of few days, so I do not know how that happened. After many surgeries and even more physical therapy, I was ready to live my life with an understanding that pain will be my constant companion. I opened my own dental practice, even had two beautiful girls.
Just as I was getting the hang of living with fibromyalgia and accident injuries pain, I woke up one day with debilitating back pain. I have had a very rough ride for last six years with my back pain. I tried many things from acupuncture to epidural shots to back surgery. With each new option, pain kept getting worse. After the failure of back surgery, I was told that I have two options. One, living with pain with narcotics and second, living with pain without narcotics. I chose the second option so I can be there for my girls at least mentally.
I will not say that I have not gone thru some type of depression every time things got worse for me. But at this point in my journey, I am trying to find reasons to be happy and grateful, everyday. Instead of focusing on what I can not do anymore, I am trying to create a happy home for my family with my limitations. Everyday, I consciously choose to dance in the rain of life. Some days are harder than others. Chronic pain is a mental battle along with the physical. On bad days, I still have the desire to walk away from life but I try very hard to focus on the rainbows that life has presented me.
I know that many many people struggle with chronic pain. Many people suffer with less support then I am lucky to have. Pain takes us to very dark corners of our minds. Somedays, light cannot even think of penetrating the dark clouds of our existence. It is for those days, I want to reach out thru my words and share with you my struggles, and if I'm lucky maybe help you smile along the way.
Talk to you soon.
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