mystery of life......

I do not have very clear memories of my childhood.  I remember certain feelings and impressions.  But, one memory that has stayed with me is that one of my favorite things to do was to look into the horizon and wonder what was beyond it, not just in terms of stars and galaxies but the mystery of life itself.

I come from a family who believes that applied education is a must for survival.  Since my childhood, I was groomed to become a doctor.  My father believed that serving fellow human beings was equivalent to serving God.  This belief guided him through life.  Both of my parents have lived very selfless lives.  They happily sacrificed their personal needs and comforts for their children.

Their behavior made an impact on me in choosing my career.  I worked for it and achieved it.  But, there was always a part of me who needed the answers to the mystery of life.  There have been many times when I wanted to walk away from everyday life and truly search for the answers to my questions.  My parents version of serving God through people was not enough for me.  When I was sixteen, my mother told me that it is not safe for a girl to wonder around looking for something that may not even be discoverable.  She recommended that I can do my search from safety of my home.

I continued with my education and started to read on spirituality.  Rituals without logical explanation were hard for me to swallow.  More I read on spirituality, more I realized that no matter how enlightened the writer was he was trying to make sense of something that is  unlimited and incomprehensible by a limited mind.

If we choose to believe that the cause of our existence is the unlimited source of energy, which has no beginning and no end, then that makes us limitless also.  If this hypothesis is true then, why put limitations on our abundant potential by imprisoning our true self in this limited mind, body and ego complex?  Why  am I not able to free myself from these chains of physical pains of this body?  Why my mind is overwhelmed by everyday issues of financial and emotional dramas?  Why can my mind not be available to soar freely in uncharted beautiful territories of this universe?

Life is, still a mystery, but I am not willing to give up on solving it.  More to come on this favorite subject of mine.  I hope that you will join me on my adventure.

diwali!!!!

Happy Diwali to everyone.  I wish that the light in our hearts always guide us to joy and happiness.  I pray that each lamp we light this year, removes ignorance and hatred from our minds.  Each lamp we light  shows us the beauty of human heart and soul.

I love this festival of light.  It always reminds me when we decide to light lamps together, there is no darkness that can not be taken away.  If we all choose to light the lamps of love and forgiveness in our hearts, we can all come out of darkness of despair and loneliness.  On Diwali, we choose to light the lamps to remove the darkness outside so we can welcome goddess Lakshmi to bring us joy and prosperity for next year.  Why not light the lamps of knowledge and love in our hearts so we can truly be one with this beautiful world.

Every year, I buy gifts for my kids.  It gives me joy to see their excitement.  But, somewhere in my heart, I am always wondering if I will ever be able to make them see that true celebration of Diwali is much deeper than just lighting the lamps and exchanging sweets and gifts.  I pray to God that one day I can help them light the lamps of love in their hearts, for everything in this beautiful creation.  

time......

So here I am, going through another acute phase in  the story of my back pain.  I got another epidural shot  this past friday.  I am in the process of living through some extra pain for a few days.  I feel really bad for my husband because he gets to deal with a lot of crankiness.  My doctors have very high hopes for my pain threshold so they choose to give me Motrin only for the pain.  All the pain, which Motrin can not touch ends up landing on my husbands lap.  I do pray for him a lot.

Pain makes my days go by very slow.  It makes me so agitated that I am not able to watch TV or read a book.  When breathing in and breathing out is all I can manage, the day becomes very very long.  But as I watch my kids interactions and hear about their days, it seems like life is passing me by so fast.  No matter how painful my day is, it does turn into night and the night does turn into another day.  Regardless of my painful slow days, I find that time does not slow for me.  I am still getting wrinkles and feeling the effects of gravity on my body.

When I look back, I wonder if I have made the most of my years on this planet.  I know that I can use long term history of my different physical ailments as an excuse for any failure in life.  If I do that, I would be cheating myself.  Life is not an easy road for anyone.  We all have different challenges and inside demons to deal with.  Some people are able to contribute to humanity regardless of their shortcomings.  Are those people born with that extra gene for selflessness?  How do they take their mind away from their own personal needs and dramas and focus on someone else?  

In case of my husband, when he comes home from work, he can choose to sit in front of the TV and just relax.  But, he makes a choice to help kids with homework or comfort me and help me.  I know that, somedays, it takes everything out of you to choose to do the right thing.

For the longest time, I wanted to do big things for my fellow human beings.  But slowly, I am realizing that I can still make a difference in people's lives by doing small gestures.  I can choose to smile at strangers,  I can be a good listener, I can choose to be present fully for my kids endless talks, I can choose not to loose it when my younger daughter asks ten questions in one breathe.  I hope that doing small things will count too when the times come to add up my good and bad karmas.  My wish for everyone is that we all, at least have few moments in a day when we truly connect with another soul and rejoice being alive.



      

rescued rabbits

I was limited to bed for last couple of days.  I was going out of my mind so my husband decided to take me for a walk in the mall yesterday. 


 As we were walking through one of the stores, my younger daughter wanted to try this fur stole.  She loves anything soft.  As she was feeling the softness on her face, my older daughter told her that it was made from rabbit's fur. Her face just dropped because she loves animals too, especially the pet rabbit in her classroom.  She looked up to me and said "why did they have to kill the poor rabbits to make this"?  Before I could respond to her, this sales person tells her that think of it like the rabbits were rescued.  The sales person saw a puzzled look on my face so, she went ahead and explained me that this way, she can justify owning a rabbit's fur piece.


 As I was walking away from that sales person, my mind was ready to launch a judgmental attack.  Just then, I realized that I was wearing a silk shirt.  I never gave a second thought to how many silk worms had to die for one shirt, when I bought it.  I am a vegetarian because I believe in nonviolence.  But recently, one of my nephew had made me realize that if I truly believed in nonviolence then I would be a vegan.  He had made me see that I believe in nonviolence, but selectively, because I have no problem using leather, silk and milk products.  I have also killed my share of mosquitos and scorpions.


Do we just draw a random line when it comes to what we are comfortable with?  Some people choose to risk their lives to save someone else's life, but some people choose to take cover in danger to save themselves.  There is no absolute right or wrong.  In the end, we choose our actions based on what we can justify to ourselves so our minds are not agitated.


No one can tell you what to believe, you must trust in yourself so that you can find your own way home on the road of life.

my pain is real

Today I was reading one woman's struggle with chronic pain.  She was talking about how so many of her doctors, for many years, told her that it was all in her head.  After many years of suffering, she was finally given a diagnosis and proper treatment for it.  This is a very common story when it comes to women having chronic pain.  Men, often, are taken more seriously and given proper treatment.  Many doctors refuse to give women even pain medicine because pain is in their head and it is not real.  So many suffer from both emotional and physical pain.

Are women not taken seriously?  We have proven ourselves to be equally intelligent but we are still second guessed.  It is as though we have no idea about what is good for us and even about what it is that we want in life.  over time even we, ourselves do not trust our own thoughts.

In my struggle with back pain, I have followed all the instructions from my doctors.  I have a good understanding of what is being suggested for the treatment.  Throughout my treatment, I was second guessed about my choices and timings of the treatment options, even by my own family.  People doubt my decisions because my body does not respond well to the treatments done.  I think that I kind of do know how much pain I am experiencing and at which point I am not able to even breath because of pain.  I do have a right to try something new if I am not able to live with the increased level of pain.  Past failure of treatments should not be a reason for living with unbearable pain forever.  I love it when doctors in my own family tell me that I should be able to live normal life with pain.  Can they really feel the level of pain I am feeling?  I love them all and only wish the best for them.  But, there are days when I would like them to try living with the pain that  I experience 24/7, just for a week.  Then I will be able to take their judgements about my choices more seriously.

I am an individual with my unique abilities.  It is possible that my pain threshold is low.  It is possible that someone else can live with my level of pain without treatment.  But, it does not mean that I should be forced to live with it if I am not able to bear it.  

"The aim of the wise is not to secure pleasure, but to avoid pain."
Aristotle