mystery of life......

I do not have very clear memories of my childhood.  I remember certain feelings and impressions.  But, one memory that has stayed with me is that one of my favorite things to do was to look into the horizon and wonder what was beyond it, not just in terms of stars and galaxies but the mystery of life itself.

I come from a family who believes that applied education is a must for survival.  Since my childhood, I was groomed to become a doctor.  My father believed that serving fellow human beings was equivalent to serving God.  This belief guided him through life.  Both of my parents have lived very selfless lives.  They happily sacrificed their personal needs and comforts for their children.

Their behavior made an impact on me in choosing my career.  I worked for it and achieved it.  But, there was always a part of me who needed the answers to the mystery of life.  There have been many times when I wanted to walk away from everyday life and truly search for the answers to my questions.  My parents version of serving God through people was not enough for me.  When I was sixteen, my mother told me that it is not safe for a girl to wonder around looking for something that may not even be discoverable.  She recommended that I can do my search from safety of my home.

I continued with my education and started to read on spirituality.  Rituals without logical explanation were hard for me to swallow.  More I read on spirituality, more I realized that no matter how enlightened the writer was he was trying to make sense of something that is  unlimited and incomprehensible by a limited mind.

If we choose to believe that the cause of our existence is the unlimited source of energy, which has no beginning and no end, then that makes us limitless also.  If this hypothesis is true then, why put limitations on our abundant potential by imprisoning our true self in this limited mind, body and ego complex?  Why  am I not able to free myself from these chains of physical pains of this body?  Why my mind is overwhelmed by everyday issues of financial and emotional dramas?  Why can my mind not be available to soar freely in uncharted beautiful territories of this universe?

Life is, still a mystery, but I am not willing to give up on solving it.  More to come on this favorite subject of mine.  I hope that you will join me on my adventure.

diwali!!!!

Happy Diwali to everyone.  I wish that the light in our hearts always guide us to joy and happiness.  I pray that each lamp we light this year, removes ignorance and hatred from our minds.  Each lamp we light  shows us the beauty of human heart and soul.

I love this festival of light.  It always reminds me when we decide to light lamps together, there is no darkness that can not be taken away.  If we all choose to light the lamps of love and forgiveness in our hearts, we can all come out of darkness of despair and loneliness.  On Diwali, we choose to light the lamps to remove the darkness outside so we can welcome goddess Lakshmi to bring us joy and prosperity for next year.  Why not light the lamps of knowledge and love in our hearts so we can truly be one with this beautiful world.

Every year, I buy gifts for my kids.  It gives me joy to see their excitement.  But, somewhere in my heart, I am always wondering if I will ever be able to make them see that true celebration of Diwali is much deeper than just lighting the lamps and exchanging sweets and gifts.  I pray to God that one day I can help them light the lamps of love in their hearts, for everything in this beautiful creation.  

time......

So here I am, going through another acute phase in  the story of my back pain.  I got another epidural shot  this past friday.  I am in the process of living through some extra pain for a few days.  I feel really bad for my husband because he gets to deal with a lot of crankiness.  My doctors have very high hopes for my pain threshold so they choose to give me Motrin only for the pain.  All the pain, which Motrin can not touch ends up landing on my husbands lap.  I do pray for him a lot.

Pain makes my days go by very slow.  It makes me so agitated that I am not able to watch TV or read a book.  When breathing in and breathing out is all I can manage, the day becomes very very long.  But as I watch my kids interactions and hear about their days, it seems like life is passing me by so fast.  No matter how painful my day is, it does turn into night and the night does turn into another day.  Regardless of my painful slow days, I find that time does not slow for me.  I am still getting wrinkles and feeling the effects of gravity on my body.

When I look back, I wonder if I have made the most of my years on this planet.  I know that I can use long term history of my different physical ailments as an excuse for any failure in life.  If I do that, I would be cheating myself.  Life is not an easy road for anyone.  We all have different challenges and inside demons to deal with.  Some people are able to contribute to humanity regardless of their shortcomings.  Are those people born with that extra gene for selflessness?  How do they take their mind away from their own personal needs and dramas and focus on someone else?  

In case of my husband, when he comes home from work, he can choose to sit in front of the TV and just relax.  But, he makes a choice to help kids with homework or comfort me and help me.  I know that, somedays, it takes everything out of you to choose to do the right thing.

For the longest time, I wanted to do big things for my fellow human beings.  But slowly, I am realizing that I can still make a difference in people's lives by doing small gestures.  I can choose to smile at strangers,  I can be a good listener, I can choose to be present fully for my kids endless talks, I can choose not to loose it when my younger daughter asks ten questions in one breathe.  I hope that doing small things will count too when the times come to add up my good and bad karmas.  My wish for everyone is that we all, at least have few moments in a day when we truly connect with another soul and rejoice being alive.



      

rescued rabbits

I was limited to bed for last couple of days.  I was going out of my mind so my husband decided to take me for a walk in the mall yesterday. 


 As we were walking through one of the stores, my younger daughter wanted to try this fur stole.  She loves anything soft.  As she was feeling the softness on her face, my older daughter told her that it was made from rabbit's fur. Her face just dropped because she loves animals too, especially the pet rabbit in her classroom.  She looked up to me and said "why did they have to kill the poor rabbits to make this"?  Before I could respond to her, this sales person tells her that think of it like the rabbits were rescued.  The sales person saw a puzzled look on my face so, she went ahead and explained me that this way, she can justify owning a rabbit's fur piece.


 As I was walking away from that sales person, my mind was ready to launch a judgmental attack.  Just then, I realized that I was wearing a silk shirt.  I never gave a second thought to how many silk worms had to die for one shirt, when I bought it.  I am a vegetarian because I believe in nonviolence.  But recently, one of my nephew had made me realize that if I truly believed in nonviolence then I would be a vegan.  He had made me see that I believe in nonviolence, but selectively, because I have no problem using leather, silk and milk products.  I have also killed my share of mosquitos and scorpions.


Do we just draw a random line when it comes to what we are comfortable with?  Some people choose to risk their lives to save someone else's life, but some people choose to take cover in danger to save themselves.  There is no absolute right or wrong.  In the end, we choose our actions based on what we can justify to ourselves so our minds are not agitated.


No one can tell you what to believe, you must trust in yourself so that you can find your own way home on the road of life.

my pain is real

Today I was reading one woman's struggle with chronic pain.  She was talking about how so many of her doctors, for many years, told her that it was all in her head.  After many years of suffering, she was finally given a diagnosis and proper treatment for it.  This is a very common story when it comes to women having chronic pain.  Men, often, are taken more seriously and given proper treatment.  Many doctors refuse to give women even pain medicine because pain is in their head and it is not real.  So many suffer from both emotional and physical pain.

Are women not taken seriously?  We have proven ourselves to be equally intelligent but we are still second guessed.  It is as though we have no idea about what is good for us and even about what it is that we want in life.  over time even we, ourselves do not trust our own thoughts.

In my struggle with back pain, I have followed all the instructions from my doctors.  I have a good understanding of what is being suggested for the treatment.  Throughout my treatment, I was second guessed about my choices and timings of the treatment options, even by my own family.  People doubt my decisions because my body does not respond well to the treatments done.  I think that I kind of do know how much pain I am experiencing and at which point I am not able to even breath because of pain.  I do have a right to try something new if I am not able to live with the increased level of pain.  Past failure of treatments should not be a reason for living with unbearable pain forever.  I love it when doctors in my own family tell me that I should be able to live normal life with pain.  Can they really feel the level of pain I am feeling?  I love them all and only wish the best for them.  But, there are days when I would like them to try living with the pain that  I experience 24/7, just for a week.  Then I will be able to take their judgements about my choices more seriously.

I am an individual with my unique abilities.  It is possible that my pain threshold is low.  It is possible that someone else can live with my level of pain without treatment.  But, it does not mean that I should be forced to live with it if I am not able to bear it.  

"The aim of the wise is not to secure pleasure, but to avoid pain."
Aristotle

goodbye uncle...

My best friend had written this following message to me few days ago.

 "I am sitting at the hospital the nurses are changing my dad. He is hanging in there with every part of his being. I am holding the same hands that have guided me from birth and I think about how much I love this man, my father. I tell him it's ok now, were all ok at the same time I want to scream, get up dad let's go home... I love my father, I pray and ask for forgiveness if I upset him and you know I did that! I smile he always said my boys were easy but you... I hope he forgives that immature girl. I hope he knows how much I love him, how I want to hold his hand and never let go . I pray for my father, and when the time comes I know god will hold out his arms and wrap him in love. He will be with his mother and father and I will be without mine.  Anyway, we made it to Friday. We cry our selfish tears  To keep him prisoner in his painful body. I want him to be pain free and not hurt or be poked for the hundredth time  I sit and pray and then I wait to see how this will all play out."


 Her dad passed away on Monday.  He was a good man, very kind and loving.  I remember how touched I was when he had chosen me to be his dentist over his daughter.  He was a man of few words.  I will always remember his "you girls" response to everything he did not approve of.  May he rest in peace.


The tree sheds its leaves in winter so it can start afresh next year, you must also shed the old to begin again.

I know how you feel....

We all use this line in day to day living, "I know how you feel". I would like to apologize to everyone I have said these words to. I have used these words, in the past, to make the other person feel that I understand their situation. But, do we really feel what the other person is feeling? I do not think so.

I am a dentist and I have extracted many teeth. Some patients ended up with a complication called dry socket. It happens in 10% of the cases. I would treat the patient as I was taught in school. I remember saying to my patients that I know how you feel. My statement used to be totally based on what I had studied, not on personal experience. My last ten days of pain has made it very clear, boy, I underestimated their pain. I had no idea what my patients were feeling and my educated guess was no where close to the pain I have been feeling. Last week, I had to get one of my teeth extracted. I went to an oral surgeon and follow all the post-op instructions but I kept having this awful pain which was not reducing after three days. Mind you, my husband is a dentist also who enjoys extracting teeth. He was there with me at the time of my tooth extraction. So, He tells me that you are having a lot of pain because the oral surgeon had to remove a lot of the bone to get the tooth out and since you have fibromyalgia, you are hypersensitive to pain anyway. Another day goes by, now I am having a terrible headache to go with the existing pain. Remembering that in the past, doctors had misdiagnosed my back problem due to fibromyalgia also, I decided to go back to the surgeon. I could not get my husband to take my pain seriously anyway. The surgeon looked at it and asked me why did I not come earlier. I wanted to say that fibromyalgia stopped me but I did not feel like explaining.

My husband is one of the most caring person I know. Even his assumptions did not serve me well. Recently, one of my friend had a premature baby. I could only assume that it must be very hard for her. I probably was no where close to what she must have gone through. I have never gone through the experience of delivering a baby and coming home without him. I have never lived through the pain of separation from my new born child. I can never truly feel her fear for her child. I know what emotional roller coster ride feels like just with hormonal changes after delivery. But, I do not know what it feels like when you add extra worries of well being of your new born to the mix of hormonal changes.

I will definitely think twice before I claim that I know how another person feels. I wonder if we like to reduce another person's pain in our mind, so it is easier for us to carry on with our lives.

9/11/01

9/11, ten years have gone by but the memory of the twin towers coming down still breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes. One hateful act of terrorism that day, changed New York city, the USA, the World and us forever.

One act which was born in the heart of people who were full of hatred, cowardliness and selfishness. But, the people of New York showed the world what courage and selfless love looks like. Those brave people showed us how to get up and stand again after such a devastating fall. In day to day life, we lead a very individualistic life style. The brave men and women of the emergency response units showed us that if a need ever arises how we come together and risk our lives for the sake of others.

New York City is one of my most favorite places on the planet earth. I love how the city never sleeps. I am so glad that the people of New York City did not allow this act of terrorism to take their spirit away. My prayers go out to all those men and women who lost their lives on that fateful day and their families. God bless America.

"Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow." -Dan Rather

if you're looking for unconditional love, get a dog!

One of my nieces had posted this message on Facebook, "if you are looking for unconditional love, get a dog". Have we become so self-centered and self-absorbed that unconditional love is a rare occurrence? Things like fun, success and money has more value than love in our lives.

In every relationship, whether it be friendship or romantic love, it seems like people have to tread water very carefully. We are so overworked and under pressure that we have no tolerance for our loved ones. Our relationship fuses have become very short. We have a tendency to react first. when I was growing up, people made time for each other. People put effort into relationships, not for personal gain but just for the pure joy of the relationship. These days, no relationship is spared from competition and hidden agendas. "What have you done for me lately?" has become new age relationship mantra.

How did we allow "till death do us part" vow to become "till it suits me" vow? How did we let the story of Antony and Cleopatra become a fantasy instead of the beautiful love story that it was. It appears that deep everlasting love has become optional. We are willing to change our friends and partners like we upgrade our cell phones. We put off relationships for later but later never comes and people grow apart. Our wants and needs have grown so much that we are always in survival mode. We get so busy with our schedules that we stop making time for our partners and meeting their needs. This causes an emotional disconnect leading to a loveless relationship or infidelity.

Trust is the back bone of any meaningful relationship. We are unable to put full trust into a relationship due to the fear of pain that follows if the trust is ever broken. In order to experience the true beauty that love has to offer, one has to choose to become completely vulnerable. It is a gamble that only a few lucky people are willing to take.

In my journey with chronic pain, unconditional love has been my saving grace. The fact that I have not become a cynical, bitter person is a testimony to the power of unconditional love. I was fortunate enough to be the recipient of unconditional love. It has saved my life and filled my soul with beauty.


Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love.
Leo Buscaglia

facebook etiquette

When you get a verbal barrage from somebody, you have a few choices in terms of how to deal with it. You can classify the behaviour as being off the chart (devient of social norm) and not take it seriously. You can choose to forgive the person and move on, or do what some of my friends have been advocationg, namely breaking of a leg, literally or figuratively.

Recently, one of my friend's was defriended on Facebook. My friend has a good sense of humor and finds this very amusing. My mind started churning, would defriending on Facebook be equivalent to the figurative meaning of breaking of a leg? If this is true then she really does not deserve such a harsh judgement. Given the long history of their friendship, the de-friender could have just as easily given her the silent treatment i.e. blocked her.

I find facebook etiquette a bit confusing. I do not mind showing affection to my husbeand in public. But apparently, writing a love note on his wall was too bold for my friends. Is writing a simple love note or posting a romantic song on his wall equivalent to giving him a kiss in public? If it is a kiss, then why is it inappropriate? After all, a kiss is just a kiss.

A kiss, when all is said, what is it?
A rosy dot placed on the "i" in loving;
'Tis a secret told to the mouth instead of to the ear.
-Edmond Rostand

monkey face

Whether because of destiny or randomness of events, we encounter wide variety of people over time. A wise person may say that they come into our lives to teach us different lessons. For example, a bully may teach us to stand up for ourself.

A person like me, who likes her freedom, does not enjoy forceful lessons. I get lucky and get repeat performances by similar personality types. My most frequent visitors are the pushy, "I know it all" type. In the beginning, I do not say anything out of niceness. But the inch I give turns into a yard and, the freedom that I love, ends up being in jeopardy. The pushy type feels that their way is the only way. And, I feel that no one should take my right to choose away. This turns into a struggle and both, the teacher and the student forget about the lesson.

Because, I have lived with the pain for a long time, I have met many people who know exactly how to take my pain away. Most of them are not doctors. But, I always try their methods and end up being in more pain. I think that they come to teach me to use common sense. So far, I have only learned that common sense is not that common.

In my husband's case, he attracts the type of people who would say anything to get their way. Lying comes as a second nature to this genera of people. I think that he gets these visitors to teach him that everyone is not as nice as he is and that he should not be so eager to give everyone an opportunity to walk all over him. Recently, someone made a false statement to get some money out of him. He was so upset about the comment that he forgot to pay attention to the fact that the false claim was the only way to get money. He is a people pleaser and can not live with a negative comment even if it is not true. I could not resist the temptation to be a life teacher. I told him that if a person says that you are a monkey, neither do you become a monkey nor should you believe that you are a monkey. So, why be bothered by this person's comments.

Not all the teachers drive me crazy, many have taught me very important lessons of life for example, how important it is to forgive, to love unconditionally, to be a big hearted person, and to be available for the unexpected magical moments of life. I thank all my teachers from bottom of my heart.

Rivera's game winning pitch!

I can count on few things to give me true joy, no matter what kind of day I am having. My girls laughter, a kiss from my love, maa's yummy food, a beautiful love song, visit from friends and family, listening to the sound of the waves and watching Mariano Rivera strike out a batter with bases loded for the third and final out!

It really is a joy to watch Rivera pitch. He is my favorite player, the best closer. I really admire him for having awesome composure. Only if I could perform like him. I have always wondered what makes certain players better than others. All the players who make it to the major league must have natural talent. All of them must practice a lot, have amazing hand eye coordination and focusing capability so strong that fifty thousand people screaming at top of their lungs can not affect it. yet, few of them shine brighter than others.

I may not know the names of the players of all the teams and their statistics like my husband does but I do love the game of baseball. It makes my day when my girls jump up and down while screaming, "the Yankees won".

We do not know any of the players personally but we are so happy when they win, it is as though we have won. Imagine, if we could all feel the same level of happiness for each other when we succeed in life. People have easier time showing genuine emotion when a person is suffering than if a person was celebrating. Is it because we feel that there are only limited number of happy moments and unlimited number of unhappy moments exist in the universe? There are numerous philosophies and books availble explaining the concept of abundance in the world or the universe, then why do we not want to accept this and act accordingly? If we could accept it, we would be able to live in happier and more peaceful society.

"Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied".
Mark Twain

Two sides of a coin

Lately, I have been having some extra pain. Today I was having a hard time and I had to go and see my doctor, my husband recommended to use my old friend, my cane. It brought back some painful memories but it also made me think about, the concept of support. When I was not able to walk and no one was around to help, it was my cane that used to offer me support. Slowly, I started to reach for that cane more and more. Soon enough I lost the confidence in me to be able to walk without the cane. A few times my brother challenged me to give up the cane and I was not able to accept it. Finally, he asked me to give the cane to him as a gift. That forced me to learn to walk on my own.

Does the same scenario take place if a child is over protected? Does he or she become so dependent on other people to take care of them that they never have the confidence in themselves? As this child grows into adulthood, are they more venerable to anyone who offers them even a little bit of support regardless of that persons character? I wonder if this is the reason why people end up in the wrong relationships. It is a fine balance when guiding a child, offering a finger for support but also knowing when to let go. As hard as this may be, I will have to let them fall but be there to pick up the pieces.

I can tell you this from my experience, once you do find yourself in a cane dependent like situation, you need to want to become self reliant and have a lot of courage to break free. And a little bit of push goes a long way.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

The Soul's Music

I had lunch with my husband today. He was telling me about this person having a nervous breakdown. We started talking about the hopelessness this person must feel. Wheather the pain is emotional or physical, when it lasts for a very long period of time it leaves some scars behind. Sometimes out of these scars comes soul wrenching music and the most beautiful poetry.

I remember this story I had read about one sufi poet. He had always felt this calling for writing sufi poetry. One day he left his home to search for a good teacher. After a long search, He met this teacher who was also looking for a serious student. As the student began to write poems, he showed his work to the teacher. After reading the poems, the teacher asked the student if he had ever fallen in love and if he ever had his heart broken? The students said no to the both questions. The teacher proceded to tell him that in order to write about the beauty and the pain of separation, first you have to live it. Without experiencing the pain of heart break first hand, the student would lack depth in his poetry. The student, infact, went though a lot of pain and suffering and ended up being one of the best sufi writers of his time.

I love sufi music and poetry. It touches me somewhere deep and moves me to tears at times. One of my favourites is Rumi. The follwing poem was written by him:

"The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere,
they're in each other all along".
-Rumi

Does The Universe's beauty find its expression through pain more often than happiness? I know that I have become more compassionate and understanding after going through my ordeals. I can relate to my mother's pain better, after having my own two girls. Now I know what it feels like to have your heart walking outside your own body. Pain has taken me through so many ups and downs that I can now empathise better when someone is going through a rollercoster period in their life. Now that I have seen the darkness of hopelessness and despair, I am more willing to share my light. Does this mean that we realize the depth of our souls only after suffering, and till then our existeance is very shellow?

Leave the past in the past

I was listening to the coverage of hurricane Irene. This reporter was covering an area which was suppose to be evacuated. He asked this individual who had chosen to stay back regardless of the warning, what made him stay back. The person said that I stayed back because I have lived here all my life and all my belongings are here.

It made me realize how strong our bond is to our past. WE define ourselves by our old stories, good and bad. We say to ourselves that tomorrow is a new day. Is it really a new day if we bring the baggege of our past negative interections, hurts, and our attachment to everything in the past. If a person looses his job and keeps thinking about how good the life was when he did have a job. Is he able to focus on creating his future with single mindedness? Why is it so hard for us to let go of the past and focus on tomorrow? Why do we let our past, good or bad, rule our lives to the extent of risking our lives?

I am still living my past as well, when I let yesterday's pain stories stop me from moving forward. If I could forget the past 20 years of pain, I would be able to handle todays pain better. What comfort do I seek in my old pain stories? Do I wear my last 20 years of pain as my badge of honor? I know that I am working on moving forward then Why do I let my past hold me back. I can learn from my past but I should not lean on my past to define me today.

Why does my past have such strong hold on me? Pain was the reason I was not able to do many things. Pain had ruled my life for a very long time. But now that I have this understanding, can I really let the past be in the past and find new reasons for doing or not doing something?

spring cleaning of the mind

Since I have been out of commission for the last six years, and my husband had his plate full with the kids and work, the house has taken a major beating. Now that we are trying to clean and straighten it out, we do not know where to begin. It is so overwhelming because any room we go to, it is a magnificent mixture of garbage which need to be thrown out and important things which need to be stored properly. When good stuff is mixed with unnecessary things you actually need to look at each and every item and make a decision about it, which is very tiring.

It made me think about our mind. Everyday our mind is subjected to unnecessary and important information. Sorting thru the information is work. Our mind is very prone to laziness. If given the choice, it always takes the path of least resistance. Over time, imagine how much garbage information and unnecessary negative emotions are just put away in some corner of our mind. No wonder there are so few Steve Jobs or Bill Gates available for the betterment of humanity.

If we do not do regular cleaning of our minds then our genius is hidden some where in the pile of junk. If all of us choose to do daily sorting of our thoughts then may be we can find the solution to our own problems and to the world problems.

When negative thoughts about any aspect of my life or a negative exchange of energy with someone over takes my mind, I have to consciously choose to put a break on this thought process. I do this by putting on different color glasses to look at the situation more objectively.

My different color glasses come from many sources. Talking to someone who is not afraid of being honest and objective has helped me many many times. Reading books has always provided me a better and different perspective of situations.

A negative exchange of energy with someone has always been a big waste of time and energy for me. I would think and rethink the episode over and over again. The thought that how can a particular person be so insensitive to me for no fault of mine, used to paralyze my mind.

Reminding myself that people have a right to their opinion and I have a choice in how I react to that opinion, has helped me in clearing out many corners of my mind. Choosing to live on my own value system instead of reacting to idiotic behavior has also simplified things for me.

Choosing to accept life as is instead of wanting it to be different, helps with sorting through thoughts about my challenges. Sitting with nature, traveling, music and arts helps in clearing my mind also. Please share the ways you clear your mind.

My love affair with life.

What is true love? For love to be true, does it have to be unconditional? If yes then, do we really love life truly? There are so many conditions life needs to meet, in order for us to be happy and love our lives.

When we were young, our needs were simple. As long as we had some toys, friends to play with,food and security of loved ones, we were content. As we grow older, our requirements grow exponentially.

Now we want the toy of the moment as soon as it comes out. There is a need to be seen with the right people, even if none of them prove to be good friends at time of need. We still want food but now we want magical food so no matter how much we eat, we never gain a pound. I find that grown up relationships become conditional. It becomes harder and harder for people to accept other people for who they are.

Even a parent-child relationship becomes conditional. A parent is happy as long as, child is doing exactly what the parent wants him to do. As soon as, the child wants to make decision based on his own individual likings and aspirations, a big hurricane like pattern enters the relationship. The big and mighty EGO from both sides wants to win. The parental ego wants to make sure that the child knows who the boss is, and the child's ego wants to prove that I am my own boss. In this big battle of egos, the parents forget that they are there to provide unconditional support to the child in his own individual journey and child forgets to give the parents even a little bit of benefit of doubt that the parents only want what is good for the child.

Now approval of our choices by others, becomes another requirement for us to love our lives. With each passing year, our demands from life keep growing. From the It job to the perfect husband and kids to the perfect body, the list is endless.

In my case, I have had a love-hate type of relationship with life. I do wish that I had appreciated all the blessings that life was kind enough to bestow upon me more, but I was too busy focusing on all the pain that came my way. I know this now, that if I had accepted life as it was in any given time, my journey would have been more enjoyable. My new goal is to love life unconditionally. Wish me luck.

pain pain go away

Like a normal person I want to be pain free. So I tried things that most sane people do like epidural shots, physical therapy, surgery and acupuncture etc. But every so often, I think that I used to loose my mind from the constant pain. I would get so frustrated with pain and also with failure of regular methods that I would try, let just say, unorthodox methods for making my pain disappear.

One of the most interesting things that I have tried so far is giving up buying any leather goods for a year.  It would not have been so painful if I absolutely did not love love buying shoes, bags, belts etc.  The thought of going through the whole summer without buying sandals is not pleasant for me.  I do have a confession to make. I had become a firm believer of retail therapy. It only gave me joy for a short time but I did not care. I was happy to feel any joy by any means it was available to me.  That is why, I think that my husband had called this astrologer ahead of time. After just talking to me for two minutes, he proceeded to tell me this unthinkable restriction.  By this time, I had been struggling with my pain for so long that I jumped at the idea.  I am very much skeptical about this advice because I am still in pain.

So far, I have met many people with interesting skills.  The one that made my husband irritated the most was the psychics, and boy have I seen my share of psychics and healers, and I have wasted a ton of money buying their advised paraphernalia.  After a while he started saying, why don't you just pay me and I'll tell you your future. I would tell my husband, that think of this as my entertainment, then you wont be so mad.  They all gave me a different deadline for the pain to leave me.  I still wish that at least one of them was right.

Unfortunately for him, he had to give me company on my adventures because he was my driver.  One thing he was on board with me was past life regression therapy.  He never tried it himself but he found it very fascinating to watch me talk about my past lives under hypnosis. On a side note, I think that he wanted to make sure that the fiasco I was going through in this lifetime was not a regular event.  I traveled through many life times and I was many different characters.  In one of those life times, I was a princess in Ireland and in a battle I was stabbed with sword into my back.  According to the therapist, I had carried that pain into this life.  I was supposed to go to the therapist again to be able to let go of that pain, but my pain got so bad that I  ended up getting a procedure done.  Due to my painful recovery, I forgot about it.  Now as I am writing about it, I am wondering if I should pay her a visit.

I was doing all this when I was fighting the idea of having another type of debilitating pain for life.  I was fighting the idea of this extra back pain tooth and nail.  I did not want to increases my limitations.  I still wanted to fly and make my dreams come true.  This mental struggle with my physical pain was wearing me down.  I had started to feel hopeless about my life again.  One day, this wise man told me to try to stop fighting this pain mentally and just surrender to it.  It is what it is.  This new philosophy is very technique sensitive, because every time I move I am in pain.  But I am giving my all to live this philosophy of the ages.  

"use the force, Luke"

My husband must be one of the biggest fans of The Star Wars movies.  It seems like he has memorized quite a few dialogues from the movies.  One of my most favorite lines that he uses with me is "use the force".

 When it comes to my husband, I think that I sometimes misuse the line "I cannot move because I am hurting too much".  We had just gotten married and we both were lying down.  And the remote was beyond our reach.  For a very good  reason, like pain or simple laziness, I asked him to get the remote.  It just so happened that he was having one of those lazy moments also.  So, he just kept staring at the remote. After watching this for few minutes, I asked him what he was doing.  And he simply said that can't you see I am trying to use the force!  Initially I was surprised then I started to appreciate the humor in it.

One day, I was in a lot of pain and having really hard time moving.  Normally I do not keep any phone in my bedroom, but that day one of the cordless phones was left in the room.  As I was trying really hard to fall asleep so I could get a little break from my pain, the phone started to ring.  It just so happened that it was my very persistent mother who was calling me.  So when I did not pick up the phone the first time, she proceeded to call me few more times.  As I was lying down and looking at that phone ring over and over again, "use the force" concept popped in my head.  I was so desperate that I even gave it a try.  To my surprise, I found out that like my husband, I did not have Luke's powers either.

The phone was irritating me so much that I forced myself to get up and answer the phone.  Latter that day a thought came to me, I was not able to use the force Luke used in the Star Wars movies but I did use some other force.  I started to wonder what it was that made it possible for me to get the phone even though my mind was telling me that I can not move.

It was sheer will power!  It was so liberating to know that no matter how bad the pain got, with my will power, I could still be the boss of me and not my pain.  Since that day my will power has been a good and bad friend for me.  Like any other kind of power, if misused, it lets you know it in a not so kind language.  When I used my will power a little too much to get my things done, I was bedridden with pain for the next few days.  But for the most part, it has helped me keep my sanity.  It helped me in keeping my independence to some extent at least.  No matter what kind of day I was having, it allowed me to present myself to the world in a pleasant manor.  Most importantly it did not allow my pain to take away my smile.

a few Gifts from pain

For the longest time, I only focused on what pain has taken away from me.  I mourned the loss of my career as a dentist, my ability to be a mother in full sense of the word, my ability to help my family when needed, my ability to make my dream of climbing up the Himalayas, come true, my ability to dance the night away with the love of my life, my ability to run around with my girls, give them piggy back rides and be a kid with them, and my ability to do simple things like doing  groceries,  shopping, traveling, showering, getting ready, watching a movie in a theater, entertaining etc.,without worrying about the pain that would follow...

We all change over a period of time but our basic personality remains the same.  I have always had very strong views about how things should be.  I was under the impression that I still was one of those very controlling, perfectionist, ants in the pants type of person, regardless of my long history with pain.                                                                                                                                            

One day, as I was talking to one of my nieces, I realized that the pain had changed my personality over time and how I look at life.  Pain had taught me to see beauty in imperfections and I am very grateful for that.  I could not believe myself, what was coming out my mouth.  I was telling her that true joy lies in the anticipation of the next adventure that life has planned for us.  I had finally understood that there is a sense of freedom when we give up the need to control our future.

Pain has also taught me to live in the present moment.  In my case, every time I thought it could not get any worse, it did.  So I learned the hard way to appreciate what life is presenting right now.

The old me was a very high achiever.  I used to have ten things running around my head at any given time.  I believed that multitasking was the only way to be productive in life.  Then one day as I was listening to the music of my girls laughter, I realized that the old me would have been too preoccupied to pay full attention to their laughter.  I would have missed many small but very precious moments of my life.  I began to notice the things that gave me true joy on an everyday basis instead of waiting for the big moment to happen.  Now my mind was fully aware of the joy when my girls gave me a hug or when my husband smiled at me.  I was living life more intensely.  Suddenly it was ok to have less experiences long as I was fully present for the ones I was lucky to have.

The big Question, WHY ME?

I have been looking for an answer to "why me" for a very long time.  I could never make sense of my suffering.  I needed to know what was the purpose.  I believe in universal intelligence.  I believe that everything happens for a reason.  But I was not able to come up with any reason for my pain.

I did a lot of reading and asked many learned people for the answer.  But I never got a satisfactory answer. I remember asking my brother after my car accident and his response was that I would figure it out five years down the road.  Thirteen years later, I still have no answer.

I have tried variety of sources, from psychic to religious books to new age spirituality, to explain me, why universe gave me knowledge and desire to serve the society and then force me to sit on sideline and watch life go by.  Why did the universe decide to make me a burden on the same society I wanted to serve?

This question has caused me a lot of mental anguish.  It has kept me from smelling the roses and enjoying what I do have.  Last week, I was having one of those really bad days and my husband called to see if I had eaten anything.  I proceeded to tell him that I'm in too much pain to make myself lunch.  Even though he only gets one hour for lunch and his work is a 20 minute drive, he choose to come home and feed me lunch.  As I was watching him do this, I realized that I have never questioned "why" I have such a loving and caring husband.  It hit me then, that if I accept all the good in my life without wondering "why me", I must accept my pain and all the suffering that comes with pain too.

At that moment, I realized that I can relate to a quote in the movie The Lord of the Rings spoken by Gandalf to Frodo.  He said "all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us ".   We can either chose to accept the good with the bad and live to the best of our capabilities or sulk and question "why me".

about me

Hi.  My name is Enna.  I have been living with pain for last 20 years.  Just when I think that I have conquered one kind of physical pain, another one shows up.  I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and an auto immune problem in 1991 at the age of 21.  At that time, it felt like my life was over.  But the warrior in me woke up and said that I will not let my pain stop me from making my dreams come true.  My family was ready to support me with any goal I set for myself.  With the help of my best friend, lot of pain meds and one very special guy, I graduated from dental school in 1997.

I took six months off to get off of my anti inflammatory and sleep medications.  I was ready to fly.  I was so sure that I already had lived thru my share of pain that I did not even see disability insurance as an urgency.  Then, one fine day in 1998, as I was driving on the highway, I ended up under an eighteen wheeler.  I do not have any memory of few days, so I do not know how that happened.  After many surgeries and even more physical therapy, I was ready to live my life with an understanding that pain will be my constant companion.  I opened my own dental practice, even had two beautiful girls.

Just as I was getting the hang of living with fibromyalgia and accident injuries pain,  I woke up one day with debilitating back pain.  I have had a very rough ride for last six years with my back pain.  I tried many things from acupuncture to epidural shots to back surgery.  With each new option, pain kept getting worse.  After the failure of back surgery, I was told that I have two options.  One, living with pain with narcotics and second, living with pain without narcotics.  I chose the second option so I can be there for my girls at least mentally.

I will not say that I have not gone thru some type of depression every time things got worse for me.  But at this point in my journey, I am trying to find reasons to be happy and grateful, everyday.  Instead of focusing on what I can not do anymore, I am trying to create a happy home for my family with my limitations.  Everyday, I consciously choose to dance in the rain of life.  Some days are harder than others.  Chronic pain is a mental battle along with the physical.  On bad days, I still have the desire to walk away from life but I try very hard to focus on the rainbows that life has presented me.

I know that many many people struggle with chronic pain.  Many people suffer with less support then I am lucky to have.  Pain takes us to very dark corners of our minds.  Somedays, light cannot even think of penetrating the dark clouds of our existence.  It is for those days, I want to reach out thru my words and share with you my struggles, and if I'm lucky maybe help you smile along the way.

Talk to you soon.