So here I am, going through another acute phase in the story of my back pain. I got another epidural shot this past friday. I am in the process of living through some extra pain for a few days. I feel really bad for my husband because he gets to deal with a lot of crankiness. My doctors have very high hopes for my pain threshold so they choose to give me Motrin only for the pain. All the pain, which Motrin can not touch ends up landing on my husbands lap. I do pray for him a lot.
Pain makes my days go by very slow. It makes me so agitated that I am not able to watch TV or read a book. When breathing in and breathing out is all I can manage, the day becomes very very long. But as I watch my kids interactions and hear about their days, it seems like life is passing me by so fast. No matter how painful my day is, it does turn into night and the night does turn into another day. Regardless of my painful slow days, I find that time does not slow for me. I am still getting wrinkles and feeling the effects of gravity on my body.
When I look back, I wonder if I have made the most of my years on this planet. I know that I can use long term history of my different physical ailments as an excuse for any failure in life. If I do that, I would be cheating myself. Life is not an easy road for anyone. We all have different challenges and inside demons to deal with. Some people are able to contribute to humanity regardless of their shortcomings. Are those people born with that extra gene for selflessness? How do they take their mind away from their own personal needs and dramas and focus on someone else?
In case of my husband, when he comes home from work, he can choose to sit in front of the TV and just relax. But, he makes a choice to help kids with homework or comfort me and help me. I know that, somedays, it takes everything out of you to choose to do the right thing.
For the longest time, I wanted to do big things for my fellow human beings. But slowly, I am realizing that I can still make a difference in people's lives by doing small gestures. I can choose to smile at strangers, I can be a good listener, I can choose to be present fully for my kids endless talks, I can choose not to loose it when my younger daughter asks ten questions in one breathe. I hope that doing small things will count too when the times come to add up my good and bad karmas. My wish for everyone is that we all, at least have few moments in a day when we truly connect with another soul and rejoice being alive.
Pain makes my days go by very slow. It makes me so agitated that I am not able to watch TV or read a book. When breathing in and breathing out is all I can manage, the day becomes very very long. But as I watch my kids interactions and hear about their days, it seems like life is passing me by so fast. No matter how painful my day is, it does turn into night and the night does turn into another day. Regardless of my painful slow days, I find that time does not slow for me. I am still getting wrinkles and feeling the effects of gravity on my body.
When I look back, I wonder if I have made the most of my years on this planet. I know that I can use long term history of my different physical ailments as an excuse for any failure in life. If I do that, I would be cheating myself. Life is not an easy road for anyone. We all have different challenges and inside demons to deal with. Some people are able to contribute to humanity regardless of their shortcomings. Are those people born with that extra gene for selflessness? How do they take their mind away from their own personal needs and dramas and focus on someone else?
In case of my husband, when he comes home from work, he can choose to sit in front of the TV and just relax. But, he makes a choice to help kids with homework or comfort me and help me. I know that, somedays, it takes everything out of you to choose to do the right thing.
For the longest time, I wanted to do big things for my fellow human beings. But slowly, I am realizing that I can still make a difference in people's lives by doing small gestures. I can choose to smile at strangers, I can be a good listener, I can choose to be present fully for my kids endless talks, I can choose not to loose it when my younger daughter asks ten questions in one breathe. I hope that doing small things will count too when the times come to add up my good and bad karmas. My wish for everyone is that we all, at least have few moments in a day when we truly connect with another soul and rejoice being alive.
Put a smile on my face today!
ReplyDeletei really look forward to your posts - so comforting they are - but, i really hope your dreaded pain goes away permanently one day - that is so awful to have to go thru - wishing all the best for you!!!! Raj
ReplyDelete